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Well, things could definitely be worse. I’m quite pleased with how well I’m keeping up with all these challenge posts but a bit worried about content quality – but this is my personal journal and I am on a learning and practise mission – and I will find ways of forever excusing myself for my fumbling explorations and expressions. My mum would probably say you shouldn’t throw all this stuff out on the internet and it’s embarassing! She’s probably right, usually is, but it’s not locked up deep down and depressing me once it’s out there.

Thanks to my mother I can buy some online food shopping this week, enough for me and the dog for a week at least and I’m looking forward to toothpaste as reaching the last squeezes of the last one’s been getting almost impossible.

My mum’s a pensioner and it’s dreadful having to blag from her – although I’ve not asked and keep trying to decline, but she knows I can’t get out to food bank help even when I have a bit of bus fare.

Local authority help is all well and good but once you claim you have to be able to get on a bus and collect it. Any delay for ill health or lack of means and you’re assumed not to be in crisis.

Election looming and whatever happens won’t solve the war on welfare issues as it’s inherited legislation and they all sound the same soundbites regarding national budget and necessity of dragging down the underclass, the disabled-look-fit-enough-to-work-to-us nd the unfortunate. Of course some nations have no welfare, but they perhaps have raw materials and forage-able food and a wholly different mindset. People survive with much less. Maybe they don’t have laws against sleeping in the open or improvising shelter and maybe they risk massacres… goodness knows.

Dark ages…whatever happened to enlightenment.

My mum’s undergoing chemotherapy, awaiting a cT scan and an operation to remove a tumour(s) and is having to bail me out for food and internet while debt collectors threaten the extra expense of legal action and bailiffs and it’s F-ing me off proper! And here I am not knowing how to cope other than blogging through the days tryiong to develop workability enough to do something but forever stuck housebound trying to find the balancing mechanisms that’ll solve the issues!

I hope i’m not making myself sick with trying to stay positive! Keeping up with all this but will my brain work when i pick up a form that needs filling in or a letter to reply to? No! Can I file them properly so I can find them easily? No! Why does the world not work online? I could cope with my correspondencce better if it didn’t have to arrive in an envelope and be material in my hands. It’s 2015 for goodness sake and ‘they’ blame stupid things like ‘internet security’. Maybe it’s ‘we can’t make it that easy and accessible while we still have the digital divide’…

So, Muddle-Along-Monday’s not been too bad – writing lots, even if turning lout garbage! – still no energy for spring-cleaning and an hour a day for a well person might sort it but a snail might take an hour just to wash up. Having to boil a kettle for washing up water’s not helping. If only tasks would do themselves by typed in commands, because my typing speed’s not so bad while I stand. Trying to do more offline but when propped in bed sitting back causing problems. Everythings causing problems!

I’ve a support worker visit to look forward to soon. The last one referred me to a Salvation Army food bank I couldn’t get to, promised all sorts of help with things and maybe assumed I’m more capable than I am for saying things like ‘it’s alright I’ve still got flour and sugar I might mix something up’ (having some left for months for not being well enough to make food!) or ‘I can get quite a lot of food for a tenner at Tesco’. It is true, but I can’t get there and our nearest shops are expensive and don’t have much food options that I can eat or afford. But i can get there twice a week if I don’t try and do laundry or anything heavy in the house. Online shopping delivered will be so nice, just the selecting stuff within budget and another online task… and the last support worker sent me an email one morning notifying me of a same day home visit, assumed I’d be online to know, didn’t receive an acknowledgement because I was asleep ill and I didn’t wake up to answer the door so my referral was cancelled for not answering door or phone! Having support worker help takes more effort than not having one and so I’m not really looking forward to another one and I bet my landlord’s not either. And because I can write on the computer they don’t help with my forms and leave me to keep forgetting, or complete the and forget to post them, or have brain freeze whenever I look at them and then file them somewhere stupid where they’re either forgotten or dog eaten. God I’m making myself sound hopeless!

So my mum’s an angel in her lifetime and hopefully not a heavenly one anytime in the near future yet. I wish i could visit, i wish I lived close enough, I wish I were well enough to help her if I did… I wish…! Wishful thinking won’t help. I have to keep myself hammering at keys as if my life depends on it. I just don’t know why but I’m indulging the urge. Building up somehow and at least my brain’s working somehow because it’s been previously so clogged and non-functional. Writing’s only been possible since I half-starved which is crazy and really does suggest food is implicated in the balance – but I ate quite healthy foods, so I do need to spend some time trying to work out how nutrition, or rather eating more, helps or doesn’t.

Anyway, sort of a free-writing excercise – that was the writing 101 task for today but this isn’t that response. I fluffed that one earlier elsewhere. I’ve not kept up with attending regular cjhallenges as well as I’d hoped but never mind because they’ll still be there another tiem, I can always choose too do them out of time if they inspire me whenever – that’s not why i’ve not done them(!), just the mega-marathon increase in workload for three A to Z challenge blogs. Blimey! What a good idea!

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